Come Dine With Me - Harry Potter Special
by breathe. smile. laugh
Summary: The producers decide to try something different. Enter Lord 'Of Gucci' Voldemort, Harry 'Food Fanatic' Potter, Argus 'Cat Lover' Filch and Severus 'Greasy' Snape. Let the battle commence.


**A/N: OK, I know, I know, I'm such a horrible person - but this story is my sister's. And the other stories? Life's getting in the way. I'm sorry.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise. Ha ha - it's foolproof.**

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**Narrator**: This is the show where we get four contestants to dine at each other's house, score them in secret, and battle it out for the thousand pound prize. This week, first we have World Famous Murderer ... Voldemort!

**Voldemort**: Yes, I do think I have a good chance of winning. Actually, I _will_ win, otherwise I'll ... you know ... (**LAUGHS MYSTERIOUSLY**)

**Narrator**: (**LAUGHS AWKWARDLY**) Moving on! The next contestant is the current Guinness Book record holder of the number of faints in front of a Dementor! That's right – it's Harry Potter!

**Harry Potter**: I'm actually quite nervous, but I do have a passion for food, seeing as the Dursleys never gave me any.

**Narrator**: Aww! The third contestant is Argus Filch, but we're currently trying to ... persuade him to take his creepy cat to the vet.

**Argus Filch**: Mrs Norris is not creepy! Are you, my pet?

**Mrs Norris**: (**LOOKS CREEPY**)

**Narrator**: And the last but definitely not least contestant is ... a Professor Severus Snape! He is unfortunately unable to comment as we are forcing him to take a bath.

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**Narrator**: On with the cooking! For the starter, Voldemort will be making (**DRUMROLL**) ... scrambled eggs – and toast? What's that all about? (**LAUGHS BUT TURNS SERIOUS**) No, seriously, what _is _that all about?

**Voldemort**: I think this dish is amazing! It's so simply and yet so delicious! I was taught this, when I was stuck at the Muggle orphanage, by the nice Muggle woman. I killed her, because she gave me the wrong fork, though...

**Narrator**: But – this – it's a breakfast dish.

**Voldemort**: (**TURNS SERIOUS**) _What_?

**Narrator**: Oh, no, I was just –

**Voldemort**: How dare you insult me? Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?! That is it! I'm making you dead!

**Narrator**: Uh, you can't kill me, otherwise there's no show.

**Voldemort**: ...

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**Narrator**: So ... we'll go on to the other contestants to see what they think! On to Argus Filch, Hogwart's Worst Caretaker!

**Argus**: I still can't believe you took Mrs Norris away! She's my baby! ... What do you mean, we're _airing_? What is that, a Muggle term for flying?! And I'm not Hogwart's Worst Caretaker! That was my father! Plus I'm retiring!

**Narrator**: ...OK, so we'll leave Argus to calm down and go back to Voldemort. Back in the kitchen, Voldemort is preparing the main course! ...Egg and soldiers? Really?

**Voldemort**: (**NARROWS EYES**) Why? What's wrong with it?

**Narrator**: Nothing! Nothing! ... (**MUTTERS**) You complete psycho, you.

**Voldemort**: Yeah, anyway, this was just another dish I learnt from another nice Muggle woman! Sadly she died. Because of me. Again. Anyway, it's really nice!

**Narrator**: Voldemort boils the egg and slices the bread carefully, which he will toast before the guests arrive. Next, it's on with desert! ... Egg pudding?

**Voldemort**: This pudding is to die for! I'll just – just have a taste, mmm?

**Narrator**: As Voldemort stirs the mixture of egg, he puts more ... egg in. Uh, I don't think you should put your finger in!

**Voldemort**: Nonsense. That's what fingers are for! Apart from holding up wands to kill people, of course. Mmm! Delicious!

**Narrator**: So, will the contestants like Voldemort's menu or will his eggy foods go down the drain?

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**Narrator**: Harry, what do you think of Voldemort's menu?

**Harry**: ...

**Narrator**: Harry?

**Harry**: ...

**Narrator**: HARRY?!

**Harry**: Mmm, eggs ...

**Narrator**: I think we've got an answer, then! On to Argus!

**Argus**: I think I'll just pop into KFC on the way home.

**Narrator**: Ooh, that's got to burn! Unfortunately, Severus Snape was dropped out of the show, as he was sent to Azkaban for selling illegal products in front of ASDA yesterday.

**Harry and Argus**: ...

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**Voldemort**: My food is looking glamorous! My house is looking glamorous! Now I'm off to make myself look glamorous! **(LETS OUT GIRLY GIGGLE**) Tada!

**Narrator**: (**STIFLES LAUGH**) It looks like Voldemort's spilled out on his Gucci this year, as he emerges from the bedroom, decked out in a ... you guessed it! A gold studded Gucci robe!

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**Narrator**: First through the door is everybody's favourite caretaker! Argus Filch, who's decided to come in his best dress!

**Argus**: It's a robe! A _robe_! And what? I'm your _favourite_ caretaker, now?!

**Narrator**: (**SHRUGS**) Ratings went up because of your creepy pet. Everyone wanted to give her a good kick up the -

**Voldemort**: Hello and welcome to my home! Ooh, you're a Squib! Hehehehe ... well, come on in! Make yourself at home! (**IN A LOW,** **HISSING** **VOICE**) _Nagini, dinner's ready_!

**Narrator**: Uh, Parseltongue's not allowed on the show...

**Voldemort**: ... Too late. (**EVIL GRIN**)

**Narrator**: Well, it – it looks like one of the – one of the guests are missing...

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**Narrator**: Second in to the Voldemort household – we couldn't get his last name – is Harry! ... Who decides to show up in Prada robes. (**LOW WHISPER**) What is wrong with these wizards? It'll be cool, you said! Ratings would go soaring, you said! Harry Potter and Voldemort in the same room together, settling down to eat, would _not_ end in tears, you said!

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**Voldemort**: Harry Potter ... the Boy Who Lived ...

**Harry**: Tom Riddle –

**Narrator**: Oh, so _that's_ his last name!

**Harry** **and Voldemort**: Shut up!

**Harry**: Tom Riddle ... nope, that's all I got.

**Voldemort**: Prepare to –

**Harry**: (**FLINCHES**)

**Voldemort**: Taste my eggy feast!

**Harry and Narrator**: (**FACEPALM**) ...

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**Narrator: **Unfortunately, we were unable to continue this special episode of Come Dine With Me. Please review for the stupid, annoying author of this story, even though she is ever so horrible for not updating. Thank you. Phew! Sorry, everyone, I had to say that. Was in my contract.

**Me: **You're not supposed to say that!

**Narrator: (SMILES) **Oopsy daisy.


End file.
